Bob: Well hello all and welcome to the third annual UABA cup. We have a might clash of the top two American teams. This is the first time in history it has been a all American final.With Pool boy sitting the bench after a bad chlorine accident, the Reds are really hurt in the back field with out him.
Jim: However, a unique side note Hi Ball has chosen to sit this one out for the blues. Being a cross over athlete in both bowling and the carnival hot dog eating contest he has finally worn down.
Bob : Lets get real he is as high as Deion Sanders and he is on the toilet right now trying to get rid of the forty eight hot dogs he ate last night.
Jim: With D Bow leading the Blues, and Lunch Money leading the reds this is going to be the greatest match in history. The game time whistle has blown and ball is on the move.
Bob: Lunch money starts the game with great shot, testing the pins and knocks them down. The tortoise is up next and he delivers a fast ball with a little too much paste and splits the pins. In the end its D Bow using his head and strikes first to get a 182 for the first round.
Jim: The second half is starting off much like the first. The Tortoise still has not found his stroke.
Bob: I beg to differ with you Jim I see him over there looking at the white girl with back practicing his stroke.
Jim: Yes Bob that's bound to throw off anyone's game.
Bob: Well it might be his blue balls that's throwing off his game Jim.
Jim: But it looks like Lunch Money will slot it home and bring the reds back into it with a 178. Bob: Looks like we have some over time in store for us. Jim: Wow there has never been a final like this. The game play is all over it looks like its coming in waves for both sides but neither side knows what to do.
Jim: Wow what is this, the nutty Professor XXX has just made a call into the arena. It looks like he is not going to make it the Assassin has him pined down with cross fire.
Bob: Right Jim once again I bet if he used his left hand he might be able to get his chi chis out of his women's purse. Then he would be here to support his team. With out his extra points the blues will never win.
Jim: Well lets get this extra time started. Lunch money starts it off with ahhh a nine pin nock down.
Bob: Hay what's this Red Line is sneaking up behind the Tortoise and hits the rerack. Ahh man its 7:30 I should have know some dirty play was about to happen. Well we are going to have to give him the spare because he would have picked that dirty 10 pin up.
Jim: Does not matter though looks like the tortoise and D bow might have found there stroke. Its a three way race down to the 119 minute. D Bow with a short lead, followed by Red Line and the Tortoise bringing up the rear.
Bob: Oh no D Bow leaves it open, and look at this Red Line and the Tortoise get big Red Xs. D Bow still has a chance. What is this racking problems on Lunch Money's side again? Just give him a spare. D Bow is up and has a chance to win the match. OH no he throws it right into the gutter.
Jim: OH wow I bet he would like a bowlagan after that one.
Bob: With racking problems on the Red Lines side the Tortoise will get to go first for the win. Jim: The Tortoise throws but ohh can only bring home a spare.
Bob: Red Line has the opertunity to win it for the mighty Reds and put down a record first hat trick in the UABA cup. Boom a strike and you can put that money in the bank. Red Line seals the deal.
Somebody better beat me or you guys are going to keep getting these long emails on Tuesdays.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Poet & You Know It
It was looking Rather hopeful for our Mudville team that day:
We were leading Norris 6 four to two with an inning left to play.
We got High Ball on a grounder and Devils Rainbow on the same,
Some would say they were a no show on this day.
Two down, none on, top of the ninth - we thought we'd won the game.
Norris 6 was despairing, and we grinned and cheered and clapped.
It looked like after all these years our losing streak had snapped.
And we only wished that Cubin B. the little skinny ugly lout,
Could be the Patsy who would make the final, shameful out.
Oh how we hated Cubin B, He was a blot upon the game.
Every dog in Sacramento barked at the mention of his name.
A bully and a braggart, a cretin and swine-
If Cubin B came to bat, We'd stick it where the moon don't shine!
Two out and up came Pool Boy to bat, with Lunch Money on deck,
And the former was a loser and the latter was a wreck:
Though the game was in the bag, The Mudville fans were hurt
To think that Cubin B would not come and get his just dessert.
But Pool Boy got a single, a most unlikely sight,
And Lunch Money swung like a lady but he parked it deep to right,
And when the dust had lifted, and fuckle fate had beckoned,
There was Pool Boy on third base and Lunch Money safe at second.
Then from the Silencer and Professor XXX throat, there rose a lusty cry:
"Bring up the slimy greaseball and let him stand and die.
Throw the mighty slider and let him hear it whiz
And let him hit a pop - up like the pansy that he is"
There was pride in Cubin B visage as he strode on the grass,
There was scorn in his demeanor as he calmly scratched his A$$
Ten thousand people booed him when he stepped into the box,
And they made the sound of farting when he bent to fix his socks.
The Tortoise's fable slider came spinning toward the mitt,
And Cubin B watched it sliding and he did not go for it.
And the umpire jerked his arm like he was hauling down the sun,
And his cry rang from the box seats to the bleachers: Stee-rike One!
The Silencer and Professor XXX raised such a mighty cheer,
The pigeons in the rafters crapped and ruined all the beer.
"You filthy ignorant rotten bastard slimy son of a beatch,"
We screamed at mighty Cubin B, and then came the second pitch.
It was are Hero's Tortoise's fastball, it came across the plate,
and according to the radar, it was going at least 8mph
And according to the umpire, it came in straight and true,
and the cry rang from the toilets to the bullpen: Stee-rike two.
Then the Mudville pitcher stood majestic on the hill
And Leaned in toward the plate, and then the crowed was still
And he went into his windup, and he kicked, and let it go,
and then the air was shattered by the force of Cubin B's blow.
He swung so hard his hair fell off and he toppled in disgrace
And the Professor XXX the Mudville's catcher looked in his glove.
With Cubin B's prostrate in the dirt he realized he put that one over the fence.
We threw wieners down at Cubin B, but that could not wipe off the smile on his face.
With Cubin B winning two in a row
The Professor XXX and the Silencer out to know
When their Tortoise throws the ball
The Norris 6 will always use a round house kick to win the show.
We were leading Norris 6 four to two with an inning left to play.
We got High Ball on a grounder and Devils Rainbow on the same,
Some would say they were a no show on this day.
Two down, none on, top of the ninth - we thought we'd won the game.
Norris 6 was despairing, and we grinned and cheered and clapped.
It looked like after all these years our losing streak had snapped.
And we only wished that Cubin B. the little skinny ugly lout,
Could be the Patsy who would make the final, shameful out.
Oh how we hated Cubin B, He was a blot upon the game.
Every dog in Sacramento barked at the mention of his name.
A bully and a braggart, a cretin and swine-
If Cubin B came to bat, We'd stick it where the moon don't shine!
Two out and up came Pool Boy to bat, with Lunch Money on deck,
And the former was a loser and the latter was a wreck:
Though the game was in the bag, The Mudville fans were hurt
To think that Cubin B would not come and get his just dessert.
But Pool Boy got a single, a most unlikely sight,
And Lunch Money swung like a lady but he parked it deep to right,
And when the dust had lifted, and fuckle fate had beckoned,
There was Pool Boy on third base and Lunch Money safe at second.
Then from the Silencer and Professor XXX throat, there rose a lusty cry:
"Bring up the slimy greaseball and let him stand and die.
Throw the mighty slider and let him hear it whiz
And let him hit a pop - up like the pansy that he is"
There was pride in Cubin B visage as he strode on the grass,
There was scorn in his demeanor as he calmly scratched his A$$
Ten thousand people booed him when he stepped into the box,
And they made the sound of farting when he bent to fix his socks.
The Tortoise's fable slider came spinning toward the mitt,
And Cubin B watched it sliding and he did not go for it.
And the umpire jerked his arm like he was hauling down the sun,
And his cry rang from the box seats to the bleachers: Stee-rike One!
The Silencer and Professor XXX raised such a mighty cheer,
The pigeons in the rafters crapped and ruined all the beer.
"You filthy ignorant rotten bastard slimy son of a beatch,"
We screamed at mighty Cubin B, and then came the second pitch.
It was are Hero's Tortoise's fastball, it came across the plate,
and according to the radar, it was going at least 8mph
And according to the umpire, it came in straight and true,
and the cry rang from the toilets to the bullpen: Stee-rike two.
Then the Mudville pitcher stood majestic on the hill
And Leaned in toward the plate, and then the crowed was still
And he went into his windup, and he kicked, and let it go,
and then the air was shattered by the force of Cubin B's blow.
He swung so hard his hair fell off and he toppled in disgrace
And the Professor XXX the Mudville's catcher looked in his glove.
With Cubin B's prostrate in the dirt he realized he put that one over the fence.
We threw wieners down at Cubin B, but that could not wipe off the smile on his face.
With Cubin B winning two in a row
The Professor XXX and the Silencer out to know
When their Tortoise throws the ball
The Norris 6 will always use a round house kick to win the show.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I see RED
The Norris 6 early on Monday sent out the calling for all the members. The chatter seemed quite not even peep from the tortoise. Late in the day though there was a promise of a late show by poolboy, but only if he won the championship. In a bar far away you could even hear the High Ball stirring on his bar stool promising a show. But in a drunken slumber High Ball realized he missed mothers day ( opps I mean he had a dinner date and too much wine ) and decided he could not go. After a visit at home from a stranger named Mel I found out the Tortoise was at home with the flue for the night. With her blessing and the kind words of " hay Red Line since the tortoise will not be there you can win the money game tonight" she left with a smile. Ouch! But I knew her blessing was a gift from the gods for with the shape of her belly, I thought she had swallowed the tortoise's ball. So with no fear I put the Norris 6 patch on my back and walked into the sunset to claim my prize. When the mighty Red Line came walking to the lane I noticed a familiar face of old. A deadly assassin named the Silencer was sitting with just a grin and a glass of gin Lunch money could feel the pressure early in the night with the league bowlers fighting next to us. After a group decision we decided the Norris 6 could fix the problem with a big round house. The first game started off with a bang the Red Line tasting a hambone to start the night. Wait what a surprise the Silence of the assassin got himself a hambone and a turkey in his first game. In the end the Red Line closed out with a turkey and got a big 212. The second game the professor picked it up and got him self a turkey of his own. With the silencer still throwing hambones starting in the 4th frame. The Professor took the sandwich game and was given a quarter for the win. After a quick smoke break by the professor and the silencer then a run to the car for the rest of the Norris 6 money was put out on the table. From the start to the finish Red Line was throwing the heat. The silencer tried his hardest to get the ball rolling again in the 4th frame but fell a strike short of the hambone. Especialy when the mention of him having children was brought up, looked like the twin towers collapsing again. Professor was also trying to bring it but could not hold on with the pressure. Lunch money well he is still paying the price for a 232 last week. All I can say is the Ipod was on, then off, then back on the whole night. I think I even saw him make a quick run to the liquor store for some mixers to put into his briefcase, but the damage was all ready done. The Red Line picked up three new passengers and took them to Brooklyn College for a class with a 226. The professor got a discounted ticket for being a assistant and only had to pay a buck, but the rest went home with empty pockets. By the way looks like we have a new hooker in the crew.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Juego de Bolos
Hola! Wait, Cinco de Mayo is over, I can start talking like a true Californian again.....
One for the record books last night on both ends of the spectrum. With Lunch Moula and his fold out margarita bar, complete with shaker and salt, it was on. First game showed some promise as High Pelota led the way with a 173, more on his night later, and the low was a respectable 145. Second game was more about shop talk and what Los Tore Tise Amos will name the baby girl. Five middle names? Really? Mr. Moula then opened the Juego de Dinero with a nice four bagger, Professor Dos XX dropped a -- early on and Rojo Line picked up a ton of 7s & 10s foot fouling all night long. LM followed his four with a 9- and then X X X. Spared the 9th and tenth frame, X8/. For a record tying 8 strikes, and the second best score ever at 234. High Pelota? He stunk it up like a PX fart. A Double Munson, no strike, no spare, 70! Needless to say Cinco de Mayo was a bueno noche for the Norris Sies.
One for the record books last night on both ends of the spectrum. With Lunch Moula and his fold out margarita bar, complete with shaker and salt, it was on. First game showed some promise as High Pelota led the way with a 173, more on his night later, and the low was a respectable 145. Second game was more about shop talk and what Los Tore Tise Amos will name the baby girl. Five middle names? Really? Mr. Moula then opened the Juego de Dinero with a nice four bagger, Professor Dos XX dropped a -- early on and Rojo Line picked up a ton of 7s & 10s foot fouling all night long. LM followed his four with a 9- and then X X X. Spared the 9th and tenth frame, X8/. For a record tying 8 strikes, and the second best score ever at 234. High Pelota? He stunk it up like a PX fart. A Double Munson, no strike, no spare, 70! Needless to say Cinco de Mayo was a bueno noche for the Norris Sies.
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